2AM Thoughts Of Hari

It’s 2:00 AM again.

The world is quiet, asleep. But inside me, it’s chaos. My chest feels heavy—like the air itself is pressing down on me. And in this stillness, Sudha… it’s only you. It’s always you. No matter how much time passes, no matter how many days turn into months and years, my mind always finds its way back to you.

I’m lying on my bed, my arms wrapped around a lifeless pillow, pretending it’s you. But it’s not. Nothing is. No touch, no word, no warmth has come close to the comfort of your presence. I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping maybe this time, sleep will bring you in my dreams. But all I get is this ache—this pain that doesn’t seem to fade, no matter how long I wait.

I remember everything, Sudha.

Every single second.
Every stolen glance.
The way your eyes looked into mine like they could see straight into my soul.
The way your smile lit up even my darkest days.
The way your voice made everything else in the world go quiet.

You weren’t just someone I loved.
You were someone I felt.

You walked into my life like sunlight pouring through a window that had been shut for far too long. And before I knew it, you became my world. My person. My home.

I remember the way you walked toward me, every step soft, every movement graceful. The way you laughed at my stupid jokes. The way you hugged me like you were afraid to let go. The way you kissed me—like you meant it. Like love was the only language we needed. I still feel your fingertips brushing against my hand. I still feel your breath on my neck. And your voice… that voice echoes in my mind every night before I fall apart.

I loved you, Sudha.
I still do.
I always will.

But you're not here anymore. You’re not beside me when I wake up. You’re not at the other end of the call. You’re not mine to hold, not mine to protect. And that truth… it tears me apart in places I didn’t know could break.

Sometimes I ask the universe: Why did you bring her to me if she wasn’t meant to stay?
Why let my heart beat for someone who now lives in memories?
Why carve her name into my soul if she was meant to walk away?

People say time heals everything. But what do they know about nights like these?
What do they know about the emptiness of a heart that still waits?
What do they know about trying to breathe when the only air you want is gone?

Sudha, I don’t know how to live without you.
I don’t even know if what I’m doing now counts as living.

I smile when people ask me if I’ve moved on. I nod when they tell me I’ll be okay. But inside, I’m screaming. Every single day. The silence is the loudest sound I hear now. And in that silence, your name is the only word that repeats in my mind.

You were my soulmate.
You still are.

I know your value. I knew it from the very first moment our eyes met. And now that you’re gone, that value has become a weight—a burden my heart can no longer carry. Every day without you feels like I’m slowly fading away. Like I’m just going through the motions, pretending to be fine, pretending that my heart isn’t in pieces.

No one tells you that love can hurt like this. That missing someone can feel like a sickness. That loving someone with all your soul doesn’t guarantee they’ll stay. And I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. I wouldn’t want another soul to feel what I feel at 2:00 AM—this unbearable, suffocating void.

Sudha, if you ever read this...
Please know I gave you everything.
My love, my loyalty, my life.
You were my forever—even if I wasn’t yours.

I waited. I still wait.
Not just for you to come back, but for this pain to go away.
But it doesn’t. It lingers like a shadow, like a storm that refuses to pass.

I talk to the sky sometimes, you know?
To the stars. To the wind. To the silence.
I tell them how much I miss you.
I tell them that I still love you—more than infinity times, just like I promised.

And the five elements—they are my witnesses.
The earth holds my tears.
The air carries my whispers.
The fire burns with my longing.
The water flows with my sorrow.
The space between us… stretches endlessly.

They know.
They know how many times I’ve cried for you.
How many times I’ve clutched my pillow and wished it was your shoulder.
How many times I’ve asked the heavens why you’re not mine.

Your smile… Sudha, I can’t explain it.
It was magic. It was poetry. It was peace.
And your voice—it sparked something in me I never knew existed.
A feeling so deep, so real, that no word in any language could ever define it.

I ask the universe every night: Bring her back to me.
But all I get is silence.

And so I carry this pain.

I carry it in my chest, like a fire that refuses to die.
I carry it in my eyes, behind every smile I force.
I carry it in my steps, every place I walk alone.

Because without you, Sudha, the world has lost its color.
Without you, my nights are endless.
Without you, my heart is just… tired.

I don’t know how many more years I can survive like this.
Carrying all these emotions, this love, this ache—with nowhere to go.
With no one to hold it.
With no you.

But tonight, just like every night, I write to you.
Because it’s the only way I can still feel close to you.
Even if you’ll never read it.
Even if you’ve forgotten me.

I still love you, Sudha.
With every shattered piece of me.
With every heartbeat that still whispers your name.
You were my love.
You are my love.
You’ll always be...
my forever.